I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
