She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
