Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
