just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Randomize
