when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
3pm strippers are depressing
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
