a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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