Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
you never un-have a 4some
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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