I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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