is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
