I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
