He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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