You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
