We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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