there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
