please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
