the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
