kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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