sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
