its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
