I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
