I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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