What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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