So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
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It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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