I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
