Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
