I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
