Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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