If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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