my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
