You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
