Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
he puts the penis in happiness.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Randomize
