His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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