i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
