Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Someone shattered a urinal.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Randomize
