I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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