Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
what day is it and did you see me today?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
