barbara walters just said penis...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
