Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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