So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
