think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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