Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
