i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
