i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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