there was a trapeze. enough said
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
