I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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