...so i touched it.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
