So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Houston, we have a squirter
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
