I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
