i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
