I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
