Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
